Call From Unavailable
It's a lovely day here in Ordinaryville when the telephone rings with an unavailble number. I answer expecting another pitch for credit repair etc when the caller announces that he is from The Global Computer Helpdesk and they have identified a virus problem with my computer.
Oh No!
He talks me through a few menu items and we end up at the Windows control panel, Computer Management section. The Indian chap, for it is another partially fluent Indian, confirms that the presence of errors in the error log means my computer is infected with a virus so virulent it can't be detected by any known anti-virus scanner. Errors in the error log? Whatever next?
I'm extremely concerned by this so ask him how to remove them. He transfers me to his supervisor and I can tell they can smell a sale.
The supervisor speaks and asks me to go to my web browser, asks me what is in the address bar and I tell him it's www.chickswithdicks.com
This seems to enrage him and he tells in quite graphic terms how to insert one part of my anatomy into another and then hangs up.
I never quite found out what that virus was...
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Monday 14 February 2011
In Which Our Man Sends Turds To The Prime Minister
Call from 02070603962
We haven't had a call for weeks so this one came as a nice surprise. English chap called Chris wanted to speak to our man about getting some money back from oversold payment protection insurance.
Mr Smith was called to the telephone and immediately adopted a strong Yorkshire accent, with traces of Geordie I think.
The caller wanted to send across some paperwork for Mr Smith to approve before getting his £1500 refund. Unfortunately, Mr Smiths eyes had been lost in an accident last year so he couldn't read anything.
Mr Williams was sorry about the accident but persisted. He said someone else could read them and I could get the money in as little as 4 days!
I said that was no use as I'm going to prison next week for sending turds to the Prime Minister. It started as a hobby but I really got into it over the years and now the authorities have found out.
Mr Williams asked me if I was joking. I said no.
He then mentioned that £1500 would be a nice amount for someone else or for me on my release. I explained that I had nothing to live for and that I planned to get shivved as soon as possible.
We said our goodbyes and ended the call.
We haven't had a call for weeks so this one came as a nice surprise. English chap called Chris wanted to speak to our man about getting some money back from oversold payment protection insurance.
Mr Smith was called to the telephone and immediately adopted a strong Yorkshire accent, with traces of Geordie I think.
The caller wanted to send across some paperwork for Mr Smith to approve before getting his £1500 refund. Unfortunately, Mr Smiths eyes had been lost in an accident last year so he couldn't read anything.
Mr Williams was sorry about the accident but persisted. He said someone else could read them and I could get the money in as little as 4 days!
I said that was no use as I'm going to prison next week for sending turds to the Prime Minister. It started as a hobby but I really got into it over the years and now the authorities have found out.
Mr Williams asked me if I was joking. I said no.
He then mentioned that £1500 would be a nice amount for someone else or for me on my release. I explained that I had nothing to live for and that I planned to get shivved as soon as possible.
We said our goodbyes and ended the call.
Tuesday 7 December 2010
In Which Our Man Loses His Hand
Call From Unavailable
A very sweet Indian lady called asking for Mr Smith. After asking what 'all this nonsense was about', Mr Smith (who by this time had adopted a strong Yorkshire-ish accent) agreed to talk to her.
It turns out that she works for a number of claims companies specialising in injury claims which have happened within the last three years. By a remarkable coincidence, Mr Smith had an injury which fitted this very profile.
She asked what the injury was and I replied that I lost my hand waving out of a car window at a bird, got distracted when this bird failed to respond and this lead to my hand being sheared off by a passing lamppost. She initially thought I meant of the feathered variety but a quick description containing some blonde hair and big tits put her right.
She seemed confused as to why I would be waving at a young lady when I explained that I 'fancied a bit of that cos I'd gone without for a while'.
I said that I tried suing both the local council and car manufacturer but to no avail.
I asked her how much a lost hand would be worth but she didn't know and wanted to pass me over to the 'solli ster' (which turned out to be a solicitor after some probing).
The 'solli ster' will apparently call me back later to discuss how much I can expect to get for this tragic incident.
I have a sneaking suspicion that no-one will call.
A very sweet Indian lady called asking for Mr Smith. After asking what 'all this nonsense was about', Mr Smith (who by this time had adopted a strong Yorkshire-ish accent) agreed to talk to her.
It turns out that she works for a number of claims companies specialising in injury claims which have happened within the last three years. By a remarkable coincidence, Mr Smith had an injury which fitted this very profile.
She asked what the injury was and I replied that I lost my hand waving out of a car window at a bird, got distracted when this bird failed to respond and this lead to my hand being sheared off by a passing lamppost. She initially thought I meant of the feathered variety but a quick description containing some blonde hair and big tits put her right.
She seemed confused as to why I would be waving at a young lady when I explained that I 'fancied a bit of that cos I'd gone without for a while'.
I said that I tried suing both the local council and car manufacturer but to no avail.
I asked her how much a lost hand would be worth but she didn't know and wanted to pass me over to the 'solli ster' (which turned out to be a solicitor after some probing).
The 'solli ster' will apparently call me back later to discuss how much I can expect to get for this tragic incident.
I have a sneaking suspicion that no-one will call.
Thursday 18 November 2010
In Which Our Ordinary Man Gets Murdered. Again.
Call from 0845 4506 682.
Indian chap calling about a home improvements survey. I advised that Mr Smith had been murdered that morning and that we were all very shocked.
Caller asked if I was a friend or relative and I replied that I was his boyfriend and lover. He gave his brief condolences and asked if I wanted to take the survey instead. Only 60 seconds he said.
I replied that we were waiting for the police to arrive and he said I could take the survey whilst waiting.
I declined and he hung up.
Indian chap calling about a home improvements survey. I advised that Mr Smith had been murdered that morning and that we were all very shocked.
Caller asked if I was a friend or relative and I replied that I was his boyfriend and lover. He gave his brief condolences and asked if I wanted to take the survey instead. Only 60 seconds he said.
I replied that we were waiting for the police to arrive and he said I could take the survey whilst waiting.
I declined and he hung up.
Wednesday 3 November 2010
Don't Take No For An Answer!
Call from Unavailable.
A delightful chap called John called today and wanted to introduce Mr Smith to the delights of switching energy suppliers.
I explained that Mr Smith had recently fallen in to an industrial shredder and we were just off to his funeral right now.
John obviously took this as a buying signal.
He said that it would only take a few moments to switch and it would be a good way to save money and maybe pay for the funeral. I explained that Mr Smiths wife was in tears nearby (realistic sound effects confirmed this) and that the rest of the family were waiting in the hearse.
John wanted me to ask if any other family members would like to save money by switching and it he would only need a name and postcode to get things started.
I said that I could hear the undertaker beeping the horn and that I would have to go now.
John asked what time the funeral finished so he could call back later and I said that to honour Mr Smiths memory we would burn down the house and move abroad. John said that his firm also worked with overseas energy suppliers so that wouldn't be a problem.
I praised him for his persistence but I really had to go as the corpse was seeping out of the coffin and the local dogs were licking it up. He agreed that I needed to go but promised that he'd call back again later.
He didn't.
A delightful chap called John called today and wanted to introduce Mr Smith to the delights of switching energy suppliers.
I explained that Mr Smith had recently fallen in to an industrial shredder and we were just off to his funeral right now.
John obviously took this as a buying signal.
He said that it would only take a few moments to switch and it would be a good way to save money and maybe pay for the funeral. I explained that Mr Smiths wife was in tears nearby (realistic sound effects confirmed this) and that the rest of the family were waiting in the hearse.
John wanted me to ask if any other family members would like to save money by switching and it he would only need a name and postcode to get things started.
I said that I could hear the undertaker beeping the horn and that I would have to go now.
John asked what time the funeral finished so he could call back later and I said that to honour Mr Smiths memory we would burn down the house and move abroad. John said that his firm also worked with overseas energy suppliers so that wouldn't be a problem.
I praised him for his persistence but I really had to go as the corpse was seeping out of the coffin and the local dogs were licking it up. He agreed that I needed to go but promised that he'd call back again later.
He didn't.
Monday 1 November 2010
Fallen From A Window.
Call from Unavailable.
Indian chap called Jeremy called regarding wiping out all Mr Smiths credit card debts. He sounded very keen so I said that I would get Mr Smith right away.
Unfortunately Mr Smith was leaning out of the window at the time and my voice startled him and he fell 30 feet on to the road and died.
Jeremy said sorry and asked if anyone else there had debts. I replied that I was going to jump out of the window myself and Jeremy said goodbye and hung up.
Indian chap called Jeremy called regarding wiping out all Mr Smiths credit card debts. He sounded very keen so I said that I would get Mr Smith right away.
Unfortunately Mr Smith was leaning out of the window at the time and my voice startled him and he fell 30 feet on to the road and died.
Jeremy said sorry and asked if anyone else there had debts. I replied that I was going to jump out of the window myself and Jeremy said goodbye and hung up.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
On The Toilet
Call from Withheld.
A lovely Indian chap named James called today and wanted to spread the love about writing off credit card charges.
This is a subject dear to Mr Smiths wallet so he took the call. Whilst on the toilet.
It wasn't a pleasant conversation for either of us. Mr Smith had some kind of impacted fecal plug and James was asked to find a painkiller and toilet paper delivery service locally but failed.
Telling a complete stranger, whose first language isn't English, how to spell ibuprofen through gritted teeth is most difficult.
Several minutes of straining later, Mr Smith felt a twinge in his chest and fainted, dropping the phone.
James hung up.
A lovely Indian chap named James called today and wanted to spread the love about writing off credit card charges.
This is a subject dear to Mr Smiths wallet so he took the call. Whilst on the toilet.
It wasn't a pleasant conversation for either of us. Mr Smith had some kind of impacted fecal plug and James was asked to find a painkiller and toilet paper delivery service locally but failed.
Telling a complete stranger, whose first language isn't English, how to spell ibuprofen through gritted teeth is most difficult.
Several minutes of straining later, Mr Smith felt a twinge in his chest and fainted, dropping the phone.
James hung up.
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